By Erin Davis
Remember that creepy movie, Stepford Wives?
The fact that Nicole Kidman was cast to play the imperfect, non-robotic wife was cruel enough. (Her post baby body makes me queasy!). But the whole plot centers around a town filled with “perfect” wives. True, they are robots, but they are perfect none the less.
I wouldn’t rank the movie with Aesop’s Fables in terms of its ability to teach a lesson, but it was a bit of a cautionary tale. Here are two potential takeaways: 1) If things seem too perfect to be real, they probably are; 2) Any woman who has it all together is probably a robot.
Since I’m not a robot, and neither are you we both must have our share of imperfections. My list of flaws is long and I won’t bore you with it here. And even though I know the truth that models are airbrushed and celebrities have housekeepers and every mom does things a little differently, sometimes I slip into a pattern of thinking that I should be doing everything better. I should be thinner. I should be more nurturing. I should have a cleaner house. I should plan elaborate learning activities for my children. I should create and effectively manage chore charts. And for heaven’s sakes, I should maintain a level of cleanliness in my minivan that would allow me to see the floorboards.
What I am really feeling is the pressure to be a Stepford Mom. I bet you feel it too. In fact, that’s why I tackled the lie, the ultimate goal of motherhood is perfectionism in my book, “Beyond Bath Time.”
Here’s some of what I wrote.
“Where did the lie that perfection is the key to unlocking meaningful mothering come from? In part, we can blame celebrities who flaunt their post baby bodies by wearing bikinis on the cover of People magazine [I’m looking at you Nicole] or coo over how easily they’ve adjusted to life as a mom while handing their baby to an entourage of aides off screen. Star moms have PR firms, agents, and hair and makeup staffers who help them generate an unrealistic image of motherhood. We know the image they are selling us is bogus, yet we feel we should strive for it.
But Hollywood is not the ultimate propagator of this lie. A part of each of us wants to forget who we are at our core —s pecifically that we are prone to sin and desperately need
God’s grace and help in our lives …
I want to be a perfect mom who achieves perfect balance and raises perfect kids, but I cannot do it, no matter how hard I try. That’s because I am not perfect and never can be. But we can find great hope when we confront this lie with God’s Truth.
In Philippians 3:12, we read of Paul coming to terms with his imperfections. “Not that I have already obtained this or am already perfect, but I press on to make it my own, because Christ Jesus has made me his own.”
You cannot mother perfectly. But that should never have been the goal. You can mother with purpose because Christ has promised that where you are week He is strong …
How would your world change if you let yourself move away from the notion that you need to mother perfectly and toward the radical idea that motherhood challenges are a gift because they clear a path for God to work in and through you?” (Beyond Bath Time, 37-38).
On Monday, I passed along a question from TIME Magazine. Are you “mom enough?” The answer is no if perfectionism is the goal. But God is God enough to use your imperfections, to forgive you when you fail and to use all things for your good and for the good of your children (Romans 8:28).
So, go ahead stand up that image of the perfect mother that you’ve been striving for. And then take aim at her with God’s Truth.
Perfect isn’t possible, but who wants to be a robot anyway? Ready. Aim. Fire!
P.S. In what areas of motherhood do you struggle to let go of perfect? Leave us a comment below to tell us about it. We will choose three of you at random to win a free copy of “Letting Go of Perfect” by Amy Spiegel.
ERIN DAVIS is the founder of Graffiti Ministries, an organization dedicated to addressing the issues of identity, worth, and true beauty in the lives of young women. She is the author of Beyond Bath Time, which addresses the importance of motherhood as a sacred role. A popular speaker, author and blogger, Erin has addressed women of all ages nationwide and written several books including Beyond Bath Time, Graffiti: Learning to See the Art in Ourselves, True Princess, and The Bare Facts, co-written with Josh McDowell. Her quest for the perfect scoop of ice cream is never ending and her children Eli and Noble are her constant source of entertainment.
Image(s): FreeDigitalPhotos.net
Oh my goodness… this area is a huge struggle for me. I have always struggled with the sin of perfectionism, and each time I think I’ve “beat it”, it comes out somewhere else. I have to simply surrender it once again to the Lord and ask for forgiveness and rest in Jesus’ perfection, which is more than enough.
Now as a new mom, I struggle with perfectionism pretty much in every area of motherhood. The meal prep, the laundry, organization…I am constantly aware of my “performance” as a mom. I especially struggle with wanting the house to be perfectly organized all the time and that anything less than perfect simply speaks of my failure as a mom.
But I have had to constantly remind myself (and my wonderful husband does as well) that being less than perfect does not mean failure as a mom. I am to faithfully love and serve my family to the best of my abilities, knowing that God is in control. I must resist the desire to clean and snuggle instead!
And in my failures, in my weakness, Christ is strong and He is glorified. And in the end, my perfectionism is a desire to be “enough” on my own, to get the glory for my accomplishments, instead of joyfully boasting in His all-sufficiency and perfection and in the gift it is that He would allow me to be a mom at all.
Thanks for this post!
Sarah
The subject of obedience is where I want perfection (specifically my children’s … because I’m AWESOME at obedience, it’s just them who need help, right?). If I have a rough day with my openly defiant toddler, I start stressing that I didn’t implement this-or-that part of a parenting program soon enough, so now she’s NEVER going to listen to anything I say, and drop out of high school and become a stripper. Then my husband reminds me that she is TWO, and that God is sovereign over my little dictator.
What I need to not only remember, but actually behave like I remember it, is that my job is to serve God in my parenting regardless of the outcome, and that I can trust God with my kids’ futures.
I need to let of the expectation that I need to have it all together. I need to learn that it’s ok that my house gets messy when all 3 kids are home, that their clothes will get dirty (that’s why we have washing machines) and that we don’t have to stick to a rigid schedule (it’s ok to be flexible). I get so caught in trying to keep it all together that sometimes I loose sight of what’s important- those moments that my kids want/need me instead of having their toys super organized and a spotless house.
Erin, I am so excited…just received your book! Thank you! I won it from Carrie at Reading to Know. Definitely looking forward to more of your honest writing. Have to ask you…the video clip from the BBT home page…is that really what your living room is typically like or did you let it go a few extra hours? It looks like mine…any time when the tv is not on or meals/snacks. (They have to pick up before that…) I appreciated the realness…
Anyway…thank you!!